Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
