I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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