Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
