Please, let me fuck your mom
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
