Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
