I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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