He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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