textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
