also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
