Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
