i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
