I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
