who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
