Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
