I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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