Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
