dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You dont lie about slip and slides
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
