And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
