My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
