I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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