I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
