the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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