About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
