Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
