I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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