You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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