I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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