I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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