Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
