How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
