The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
