If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
