Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
