I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
