Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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