I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Randomize
