hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I take back everything I said about communal showers
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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