I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
