i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
