Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
