Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
