Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
