woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
