If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
