I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am one with the molecules
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
