she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
