he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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