Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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