A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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