Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
