As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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