she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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